Mui Ne is a quiet, nice, posh resort so we all thought it was best to bring down the area a bit by all of us getting pissed up, to do this, we decided to play a game called ‘power hour’. This basically meant that every 60 seconds you take a ‘shot’ of beer. As we did not have a shot glass, the just made up the measurement, which led to us all getting totally and utterly wasted within 30 minutes.
Simon was the first to go, and within 10 minutes he was in our toilet, projectile vomiting all over the place. I gave up just after the half-hour mark as I knew I was going to regret this in the morning. This comes with age and sadly for the other 4, they have not learned when to stop. So, I then sat watching them take turns vomiting in a box in the middle of the table. It was like watching a shit version of Jackass where they drink themselves until they puke. You probably saw my Facebook statuses that night. Messy.
The next day, with all of us feeling rough as hell we took a bus to Nha Trang, the bus was only 6 hours so not too bad on a hangover. It was one of the best yet. You had to take your shoes off as you got on and the bus had fake grass floor and then you find yourself a bed!
The things you see in Asia just don’t ever shock you, about 15 minutes into the journey the bus suddenly stops, a Westerner on a moped gets off, comes up to the driver, and tries to start on him through the window. I was at the front so I had a ringside seat. The guy who was sitting next to the driver picked up a screwdriver and waved it in front of the window, the westerner soon got on his moped and did one.
When we got on the bus, he told us we would only be on for “five minutes”. Normally, when you are told this you tend to not get too comfy, not put your iPod on, and every time the bus stops you expect to be getting off it. Thirty minutes into the journey we all look at each other and all think the same thing. Do we commit to having a sleep, and getting ourselves comfortable or will we be off any minute? 5 hours later, still on the bus!! Vietnamese really need to know how to tell the time!!!
We arrived at Nha Trang, it was a very nice place, definitely the nicest place so far in Vietnam, as I had not warmed to this country, this town was helping me. We could not get into the hostel where Simon, Greg, and Joe were staying so Shaun and I went walkabout looking for a place to stay, we went to the first hotel and stood at the reception for about 5 minutes. The staff not once looking up to say hello or ask what we wanted which was slightly awkward. We just left in the end as they clearly did not want us to stay and we found a decent hotel for £5 each per night, which had air con, a fridge, hot water, and a TV. Winner!!
We went out for tea and ate at an Indian Restaurant, called Omars and after I went to watch the football. I wish I had not bothered. Liverpool was playing Wigan, we lost and Joe was a massive Wigan fan so this was not the best Saturday night seeing Joe being smug all night when I looked at him.
On the way back to my room, I thought I would treat myself to a massage. I have had loads of these and I think I am pretty good now at spotting a “dodgy” one.
I bartered with her on the price and paid upfront. This is where alarm bells should have gone off in my head. I put my clothes in a locker and headed upstairs. As I lay there having the massage I was thinking it was pretty rubbish, but then things started to change. She suddenly slaps both of arse cheeks and says “OHHHHH Firm”. I did not know what to do. I let out a little “Ha, ha yeah firm”.
Then, she decided to do it again, I then let out a “woaahhh woaaah, what you doing”. She giggles, then says, “You like, I do for you”. I then say, “No, no JUST massage, I don’t want that”. She then starts doing the old sad faces, asking “Why why, you do not like me?”. I then try to explain I have a girlfriend, she then says “I won’t tell her..”
She then started to get annoyed when I said, “No, I just want a massage, I am going now”. As I am getting off of the bed, she tells me to wait and then disappears. A few minutes later another girl comes in, who is younger, dressed like she is on a night out, and stands next to me “Hello how are you? You want a happy ending? I good happy ending, boom boom with a condom”. I can’t help but laugh and say “Nooo I want a massage, sorry, I think I best go now”.
She then says, “Are you gay?” I try again to explain that I have a girlfriend and do not want that, only a massage. In the end, I get up and run downstairs with a towel around me whilst the girl is shouting at me and following me. I lock myself in one of the toilets to get changed and leg it out.
I get to my hotel and low and behold another hooker. This time she was knelt down having a piss outside my hotel. So, I decided to walk past my hotel hoping if I walk down the road she will be gone so I can get back in. She hadn’t moved. Amazingly, she seemed to be still pissing and when I got to the front of the hotel she then pulled her pants up. The funniest thing about it, she was still wearing her moped helmet as she was having a piss. She then jumps at me with “sucky sucky”. I ring the bell to be let into the hotel and the hotel door shutter comes up and thankfully she does not follow me.
I am happily asleep and Shaun flies through the door at 6 am, pissed out of his head, and starts laughing “Jesus you will never believe what has happened to me.”
He then starts telling me his experience. It went something like this:
“I was stood having a piss on the side of the road and about 15 lads on mopeds pulled up, grabbed me, and told me to pay them two million dongs (£70) or they will take me to the police station. I turned around after having the longest piss in the history of my life and through a bucket at them. legged it down the road, and after 400 metres I was lagging. I lost my flip-flops and hid down an alley. I then had to go from alley to alley dodging them and I couldn’t find the hotel. So I went to the hostel and slept in a hammock. I woke up and eventually found it.
He then said, “How was your night”, and I just said, “ahhh mate you have no idea!!!”
The next day we all got up late, we got out of the hotel by 1 pm and decided to go for a Spa day and relax. It was awesome, first, we had a mineral mud bath, then a mineral hot spring, then a bath then a swimming pool all for £3.00. A really enjoyable and needed afternoon.
That night we go and eat at a bar/restaurant. You may have seen my picture on Facebook of the “sauteed beef” which looked more like the chef having a greasy shit and serving it with a few chips. I asked for more chips and he just laughed. They even ran out of rice, what restaurant in Asia runs out of rice? It’s like KFC with no gravy!
The next day we go to an Island off Nha Trang which is a Water park/Theme Park that also has a Shopping Centre. You pay $20 to use probably the world’s longest cable car over the water and all of the rest was free. It was not the best, but it passed a few hours.
There are no tuk-tuk drivers in Vietnam, there are loads of Taxi Motorbikes. I have been on one and never again. It’s amazing what they offer you when you walk past them, “taxi, weed, massage, woman, boom boom (sex)”
The next day we get the night bus to Hoi An. We have only been at this place for one day and tomorrow we are on a 20-hour bus to Hanoi. Hoi An is where everyone goes to get a suit made as there are so many tailors in this town. It’s like Scooby-Do, tailors, shoe shop, tailors, shoe shop, tailors, shoe shop, restaurant, tailors, shoe shop.